Bob (my cat, not my psychologist) is disgruntled. It's four in the morning, my desk chair is HIS at this hour, dammit! But this is important, important enough for me to haul my how-does-it-manage-to-be-both-flabby-AND-flat arse out of bed at this ungoddessly hour and risk the Wrath of Bob, so he'll just have to put on his big kitty panties & deal with it.
Remember that study that found that imagining yourself exercising, while not as good as actually exercising, did produce measurable results? I lurved that one!
With that in mind... even though I haven't quite been able to motivate myself to Shiva Nata as of late, I do *think* about it. I spend a surprising amount of time imagining waving my arms around like an idiot... while waiting for the bus, while riding the bus, and even while doing non-bus-related things. And this *has* been producing epiphanies. Not quite hot buttered epiphanies, but maybe cold margarined epiphanies? Yay, epiphanies in all & any form!!! They make us exclaimy!!!
This morning, I was lying in bed (no buses involved) at four in the freaking morning, wondering why I was awake. Normally, lately, this past year in particular, I sleep. Like, all the time. Like, my cats look at me and go, "Good God, Woman! How can anyone sleep that much?!" Bob (my psychologist, not my cat) theorized that sleep was my addiction, my escape, my avoidance of... well, everything.
Since I was awake anyways, I started thinking about My Stuck. More accurately, I started thinking about Havi's Stuck, and this conversation she had with it. And that maybe I should give that a try: not quite talking to My Stuck, but at least establishing some kind of contact with it. For starters, what does My Stuck look like? Because if I had to go down to the police station & pick My Stuck out of a lineup, I'd be hooped. No could do.
My brain started trying to picture My Stuck. And dismissed many options for what My Stuck might look like. And thought this whole idea of picturing and/or conversing with My Stuck was really just a ridiculous crazy hippy exercise... something that works for crazy Jew-y yoga folk, but had my Inner Redneck scratching his balls & thinking, "WhaHuh?"
Suddenly though, the thought struck that My Stuck would be a chubby animal. Lazy. Would sleep all the time. A hibernating bear. And there was an overwhelming feeling of Yes! That's It!
Poking My Stuck = Poking a Hibernating Bear = growling & getting my head ripped off. My Stuck is an overprotective mama bear, and I'm her cub. I know that however grouchy she might be, she's really just trying to protect me. It's also really really furry & warm & comfortable & sleepy, being wrapped up in My Stuck's big bear hug. Easy to just slumber on. Easier than fighting her in order to do something amazing.
Other random My Stuck is a Bear! connections I made:
Bears love eating garbage. And I eat a lot of garbage. Junk food galore, a steady diet of nothing but. Something I've tried to change many many times without much luck. How much of that is My Stuck demanding & craving it?
Pictured Pooh Bear with his head stuck in the honey jar. Oh, bother!
Yogi Bear is "Smarter than the average bear!" and so is My Stuck. Too smart for her own good.
Anywho, now that I recognized her, it would have been rude not to say hi, right?
Me: "Hi! I will call you Stucky. Stucky the Bear."
Stucky the Bear: "Grrrrrrr..."
Me: "Whoa Whoa Whoa! I know, I know. It's WAY too early to talk. Too early in the morning. Too early in the process. But I just wanted to let you know how happy I am to realize that you are a bear. A big beautiful bear. Cuddly. Warm. And I'm going to stop trying to get rid of you. Or wake you up. Waking up baaad. I get that now."
Stucky the Bear: *yawn* "Oh. Ok then, I guess. Get over here & snuggle in. Winter's just getting started."
Me: "Yay, sleep! My favourite thing!"
And snuggle in I did. But as soon as Stucky went back to sleep, I managed to sneak out of bed to write this, didn't I? I'm feeling more hopeful then I have in a long, long time. Maybe I can get Stucky to not go away, but to shape-shift ("DWAYNE!!") into a big cuddly teddy bear. Something to work towards.
Random Closing Thought: I'd like to wish my daddy a very happy 57th birthday today. Love you! Hope it's the bestest one yet!