Today is my 32nd birthday, and it's been a weird one. The oddest people have remembered. And I was asked if I felt a year wiser - um, no!
Two years ago, I had a horrible time with turning 30... as a small child I had so many dreams, so many things I was sure I would accomplish, and my self-imposed deadline for them all was 30. Hitting that age and having so very few of those dreams fulfilled was really hard on me. There was a lot I had to let go of, mentally. And last year wasn't much better. But I feel good about 32, truly optimistic about it all, and today I'm focusing on the return of enjoying my birthday, rather than dreading it. I'm feeling good about feeling good, how very meta, eh?
I am also going to try something this year, that I've seen in various other flavours around the interwebs: the idea of dividing the year into quarters, as three months seems like a good amount of time for goal-setting, or in my case something less formal/more woo-woo than "goals". And since today is the start of my own personal New Year (Happy New Year to Me!) I'm going to run my quarters from here. So November-December-January is my first quarter of year 32. I haven't done the formal planning for it that I was planning to (teehee I was planning to plan, how very me) but I am drawn to the theme "strength". These next three months I'm going to focus on my strengths and my relationship with strength and it's antonym, weakness. Hopefully I will manage to blog about some of my thoughts & experiences surrounding this, and be brave enough to hit the "pooblish" button on them.
I just wanted to say thank you to any/everyone reading this, for being a part of my life. Even if your part in my life is "beloved lurker". I think most of us tend to underestimate the importance we have in others lives. I know that if I see a "hit" on this blog, it cheers me, even if there's no new comment or any other more tangible sign of someone's presence. So thank you all! And birthday or no, I hope your day is as special as mine. :)
01 November 2010
23 June 2010
Loser
I had a good cry tonight on the bus ride home from work.
You see, I tend to over-intellectualize pretty much everything. My brain is usually the ONLY part of me that gets listened to. Body? Ignored until it succumbs to illness, then cursed rather than pampered & gently questioned as to what happened. Emotions? Unless they exactly match what my brain believes they should be, suppress Suppress SUPPRESS.
Shockingly, this whole Brain Dictatorship System doesn't work very well. So I'm trying to change, to let some of the other voices that make up my Greek chorus have their say. But it's HARD, and I still forget most of the time. But itty-bitty-tiny baby steps are being made. Last week while sitting on the toilet, I apologized to my body for ignoring it until it had no choice but to scream. And today, after spending yesterday in Super-Bitch Mode for no real reason, I opened myself up to the possibility that my emotions are not at all what my brain keeps insisting they must be.
I told myself, "How I feel is how I feel. I am giving myself permission to feel however I feel. No Shoulds. I just want to know what Is." I'm having a lot of revelations.
One is that even though my brain is absolutely-positive-100%-sure that: "That thing? That's happening at work next week? It will totally be just fine! Everything's going to work out for the best. It's really no big deal at all. Not worth worrying about."
Somehow, in spite of Brain's insistence, the Rest of me is TERRIFIED. Because the Rest of me is equally sure that: "I'm a useless loser. Who no-one likes. So incompetent that it's shocking I haven't been fired yet. Surely they'll catch on soon? Probably next week, when that thing happens, which will bring into stark relief exactly how wrong I am. Wrong for the job, Wrong for everything, just plain Wrong. Then I'll be out of a job & I'm up to my eyeballs in debt & oh god no I'm dreading next week because I'm DOOMED!"
Um, yeah. It would appear that the thing that's happening next week (and a lot of other little things that have been happening this week) have all been bringing up multiple metric ass-tons of my Stuff. Damn Stuff. Every time I think I've finally pitched it, it boomerangs back & seems to bring friends. Sigh.
So I cried. And now I feel marginally better. Reminding myself: This isn't who I am, it's just where I am right now. This is not Truth, it's just how I truly feel right now.
I'm not feeling all better & optimistic yet. But it's a relief to give up the fight to deny that this is where I am right now. Right now, in this moment, I feel like a total loser. Hopefully, in some moment not too distant, I'll feel differently.
You see, I tend to over-intellectualize pretty much everything. My brain is usually the ONLY part of me that gets listened to. Body? Ignored until it succumbs to illness, then cursed rather than pampered & gently questioned as to what happened. Emotions? Unless they exactly match what my brain believes they should be, suppress Suppress SUPPRESS.
Shockingly, this whole Brain Dictatorship System doesn't work very well. So I'm trying to change, to let some of the other voices that make up my Greek chorus have their say. But it's HARD, and I still forget most of the time. But itty-bitty-tiny baby steps are being made. Last week while sitting on the toilet, I apologized to my body for ignoring it until it had no choice but to scream. And today, after spending yesterday in Super-Bitch Mode for no real reason, I opened myself up to the possibility that my emotions are not at all what my brain keeps insisting they must be.
I told myself, "How I feel is how I feel. I am giving myself permission to feel however I feel. No Shoulds. I just want to know what Is." I'm having a lot of revelations.
One is that even though my brain is absolutely-positive-100%-sure that: "That thing? That's happening at work next week? It will totally be just fine! Everything's going to work out for the best. It's really no big deal at all. Not worth worrying about."
Somehow, in spite of Brain's insistence, the Rest of me is TERRIFIED. Because the Rest of me is equally sure that: "I'm a useless loser. Who no-one likes. So incompetent that it's shocking I haven't been fired yet. Surely they'll catch on soon? Probably next week, when that thing happens, which will bring into stark relief exactly how wrong I am. Wrong for the job, Wrong for everything, just plain Wrong. Then I'll be out of a job & I'm up to my eyeballs in debt & oh god no I'm dreading next week because I'm DOOMED!"
Um, yeah. It would appear that the thing that's happening next week (and a lot of other little things that have been happening this week) have all been bringing up multiple metric ass-tons of my Stuff. Damn Stuff. Every time I think I've finally pitched it, it boomerangs back & seems to bring friends. Sigh.
So I cried. And now I feel marginally better. Reminding myself: This isn't who I am, it's just where I am right now. This is not Truth, it's just how I truly feel right now.
I'm not feeling all better & optimistic yet. But it's a relief to give up the fight to deny that this is where I am right now. Right now, in this moment, I feel like a total loser. Hopefully, in some moment not too distant, I'll feel differently.
22 March 2010
Some Days Are Better (Just Not This One)
Some days are better than others, and
Some nights are twice as long, and
Some days I'm more than weak, and
Some nights I'm less than strong, and
Some days I just can't take it, and
Some nights I barely make it, but
Some days,
Some days are better.
-- Charlie Major, Some Days Are Better
Some nights are twice as long, and
Some days I'm more than weak, and
Some nights I'm less than strong, and
Some days I just can't take it, and
Some nights I barely make it, but
Some days,
Some days are better.
-- Charlie Major, Some Days Are Better
Since Charlie's a country singer, he is of course singing about a relationship breakup. But I find it expresses well how I feel coming out of major clinical depression. And today, unfortunately, was not one of the better ones. Ah well, Monday right?
The one bright spot: I am a pseudo-aunt! That is, my boyfriend's little sister had her baby boy in the wee hours this morning. Welcome to the world, Keadrin Trevor Wolford! In spite of the not-so-better days, it really is a wonderful life.
03 February 2010
FANGIRL SQUEEE! (oh, and guilt)
So, uh, um, how to say this? How about "OMG OMG FANGIRL SQUEEE! Havi! Havi. Linked. To. ME?!?! Havi's Blog Post that links to ME
Confession: I actually spotted this late last night. Then had to go to bed, and check again this morning to make sure I wasn't hallucinating or something. Nope, still there! I'm bouncing up & down in my chair like a child who really really has to pee. In other words, I think it's just a leetle bit too late to try & play it cool.
After marginally calming down, I went & read all the other blog links in Havi's post, and now I feel even more stunned & honoured to be included in their company.
THANK YOU! Thank you Havi, for linking to me, and THANK YOU to any readers who've wandered over here through Havi... I know there are at least eleventy-billion totally awesome things fighting for your attention on the interwebs, and I thank you for spending a few of your precious browsing moments here on my stuff. I hope I don't disappoint too much!
Which thought doth nicely lead into... The Guilt. Just figures I get all excited about gaining a small victory over Stucky, start a blog, actually post my ramblings... and then get mired so deep in Stuck Swamp that a month plus passes with nary another post. Although, to be fair, that's about my usual level of follow through. *sigh* Baby steps, baby steps... don't beat myself up... trying trying trying... did I mention little miniature dwarven baby steps?
I did feel a little better when I read this awesome blog post: "It took me a year to write this post."
And this made me giggle when I came across it today... I'm pretty sure it's a picture of Stucky the Bear himself.
Hmmm... it would appear I have no nicely wrapped up point this time. I'm going to try to be OK with that. Till next time; hopefully it won't be near as long!
PS - Did I mention OMG OMG OMG SQUEEEEEEE!? ;)
Confession: I actually spotted this late last night. Then had to go to bed, and check again this morning to make sure I wasn't hallucinating or something. Nope, still there! I'm bouncing up & down in my chair like a child who really really has to pee. In other words, I think it's just a leetle bit too late to try & play it cool.
After marginally calming down, I went & read all the other blog links in Havi's post, and now I feel even more stunned & honoured to be included in their company.
THANK YOU! Thank you Havi, for linking to me, and THANK YOU to any readers who've wandered over here through Havi... I know there are at least eleventy-billion totally awesome things fighting for your attention on the interwebs, and I thank you for spending a few of your precious browsing moments here on my stuff. I hope I don't disappoint too much!
Which thought doth nicely lead into... The Guilt. Just figures I get all excited about gaining a small victory over Stucky, start a blog, actually post my ramblings... and then get mired so deep in Stuck Swamp that a month plus passes with nary another post. Although, to be fair, that's about my usual level of follow through. *sigh* Baby steps, baby steps... don't beat myself up... trying trying trying... did I mention little miniature dwarven baby steps?
I did feel a little better when I read this awesome blog post: "It took me a year to write this post."
And this made me giggle when I came across it today... I'm pretty sure it's a picture of Stucky the Bear himself.
Hmmm... it would appear I have no nicely wrapped up point this time. I'm going to try to be OK with that. Till next time; hopefully it won't be near as long!
PS - Did I mention OMG OMG OMG SQUEEEEEEE!? ;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
