I had a good cry tonight on the bus ride home from work.
You see, I tend to over-intellectualize pretty much everything. My brain is usually the ONLY part of me that gets listened to. Body? Ignored until it succumbs to illness, then cursed rather than pampered & gently questioned as to what happened. Emotions? Unless they exactly match what my brain believes they should be, suppress Suppress SUPPRESS.
Shockingly, this whole Brain Dictatorship System doesn't work very well. So I'm trying to change, to let some of the other voices that make up my Greek chorus have their say. But it's HARD, and I still forget most of the time. But itty-bitty-tiny baby steps are being made. Last week while sitting on the toilet, I apologized to my body for ignoring it until it had no choice but to scream. And today, after spending yesterday in Super-Bitch Mode for no real reason, I opened myself up to the possibility that my emotions are not at all what my brain keeps insisting they must be.
I told myself, "How I feel is how I feel. I am giving myself permission to feel however I feel. No Shoulds. I just want to know what Is." I'm having a lot of revelations.
One is that even though my brain is absolutely-positive-100%-sure that: "That thing? That's happening at work next week? It will totally be just fine! Everything's going to work out for the best. It's really no big deal at all. Not worth worrying about."
Somehow, in spite of Brain's insistence, the Rest of me is TERRIFIED. Because the Rest of me is equally sure that: "I'm a useless loser. Who no-one likes. So incompetent that it's shocking I haven't been fired yet. Surely they'll catch on soon? Probably next week, when that thing happens, which will bring into stark relief exactly how wrong I am. Wrong for the job, Wrong for everything, just plain Wrong. Then I'll be out of a job & I'm up to my eyeballs in debt & oh god no I'm dreading next week because I'm DOOMED!"
Um, yeah. It would appear that the thing that's happening next week (and a lot of other little things that have been happening this week) have all been bringing up multiple metric ass-tons of my Stuff. Damn Stuff. Every time I think I've finally pitched it, it boomerangs back & seems to bring friends. Sigh.
So I cried. And now I feel marginally better. Reminding myself: This isn't who I am, it's just where I am right now. This is not Truth, it's just how I truly feel right now.
I'm not feeling all better & optimistic yet. But it's a relief to give up the fight to deny that this is where I am right now. Right now, in this moment, I feel like a total loser. Hopefully, in some moment not too distant, I'll feel differently.
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On Becoming a Jackie-of-All-Trades Renaissance Woman
I so relate to this. I'm an in-my-head person too. To the point of sometimes yelling at the other parts of myself. Like "How dare you emotions be all....emotiony! Knock it off ya little wussies!" hahaha
ReplyDeleteAt least your head is positive, though. I mean, it's not giving you negative things to think. That in itself is pretty awesome. Usually, for me anyhow, my head gets ragging on me pretty hard. So I shall have to have a talk with my head and tell it knock it off...does that mean my emotions finally get to yell back? hahah
I think it's a good thing - having a via satellite head/heart connection installed and functioning, complete with a massive amount of man hours spent working out the glitches.
ReplyDeleteJourney on!! Tears are good......
Thanks so much for the kind words you two! They are appreciated. :)
ReplyDeletewow. This came just when I needed to read it. I am in the middle of some sticky stuff and I'd way rather do ANYTHING than sit with the emotions.
ReplyDeleteI love the permission you gave to yourself, and the courage to find out what really IS. That is a scary place. It gives me hope to read that someone else is/was there and is (presumably!) still standing.
Thank you ! ! !