Loser

I had a good cry tonight on the bus ride home from work.

You see, I tend to over-intellectualize pretty much everything. My brain is usually the ONLY part of me that gets listened to. Body? Ignored until it succumbs to illness, then cursed rather than pampered & gently questioned as to what happened. Emotions? Unless they exactly match what my brain believes they should be, suppress Suppress SUPPRESS.

Shockingly, this whole Brain Dictatorship System doesn't work very well. So I'm trying to change, to let some of the other voices that make up my Greek chorus have their say. But it's HARD, and I still forget most of the time. But itty-bitty-tiny baby steps are being made. Last week while sitting on the toilet, I apologized to my body for ignoring it until it had no choice but to scream. And today, after spending yesterday in Super-Bitch Mode for no real reason, I opened myself up to the possibility that my emotions are not at all what my brain keeps insisting they must be.

I told myself, "How I feel is how I feel. I am giving myself permission to feel however I feel. No Shoulds. I just want to know what Is." I'm having a lot of revelations.

One is that even though my brain is absolutely-positive-100%-sure that: "That thing? That's happening at work next week? It will totally be just fine! Everything's going to work out for the best. It's really no big deal at all. Not worth worrying about."

Somehow, in spite of Brain's insistence, the Rest of me is TERRIFIED. Because the Rest of me is equally sure that: "I'm a useless loser. Who no-one likes. So incompetent that it's shocking I haven't been fired yet. Surely they'll catch on soon? Probably next week, when that thing happens, which will bring into stark relief exactly how wrong I am. Wrong for the job, Wrong for everything, just plain Wrong. Then I'll be out of a job & I'm up to my eyeballs in debt & oh god no I'm dreading next week because I'm DOOMED!"

Um, yeah. It would appear that the thing that's happening next week (and a lot of other little things that have been happening this week) have all been bringing up multiple metric ass-tons of my Stuff. Damn Stuff. Every time I think I've finally pitched it, it boomerangs back & seems to bring friends. Sigh.

So I cried. And now I feel marginally better. Reminding myself: This isn't who I am, it's just where I am right now. This is not Truth, it's just how I truly feel right now.

I'm not feeling all better & optimistic yet. But it's a relief to give up the fight to deny that this is where I am right now. Right now, in this moment, I feel like a total loser. Hopefully, in some moment not too distant, I'll feel differently.

Some Days Are Better (Just Not This One)

Some days are better than others, and
Some nights are twice as long, and
Some days I'm more than weak, and
Some nights I'm less than strong, and
Some days I just can't take it, and
Some nights I barely make it, but
Some days,
Some days are better.
-- Charlie Major, Some Days Are Better

Since Charlie's a country singer, he is of course singing about a relationship breakup. But I find it expresses well how I feel coming out of major clinical depression. And today, unfortunately, was not one of the better ones. Ah well, Monday right?

The one bright spot: I am a pseudo-aunt! That is, my boyfriend's little sister had her baby boy in the wee hours this morning. Welcome to the world, Keadrin Trevor Wolford! In spite of the not-so-better days, it really is a wonderful life.

FANGIRL SQUEEE! (oh, and guilt)

So, uh, um, how to say this? How about "OMG OMG FANGIRL SQUEEE! Havi! Havi. Linked. To. ME?!?! Havi's Blog Post that links to ME

Confession: I actually spotted this late last night. Then had to go to bed, and check again this morning to make sure I wasn't hallucinating or something. Nope, still there! I'm bouncing up & down in my chair like a child who really really has to pee. In other words, I think it's just a leetle bit too late to try & play it cool.

After marginally calming down, I went & read all the other blog links in Havi's post, and now I feel even more stunned & honoured to be included in their company.

THANK YOU! Thank you Havi, for linking to me, and THANK YOU to any readers who've wandered over here through Havi... I know there are at least eleventy-billion totally awesome things fighting for your attention on the interwebs, and I thank you for spending a few of your precious browsing moments here on my stuff. I hope I don't disappoint too much!

Which thought doth nicely lead into... The Guilt. Just figures I get all excited about gaining a small victory over Stucky, start a blog, actually post my ramblings... and then get mired so deep in Stuck Swamp that a month plus passes with nary another post. Although, to be fair, that's about my usual level of follow through. *sigh* Baby steps, baby steps... don't beat myself up... trying trying trying... did I mention little miniature dwarven baby steps?

I did feel a little better when I read this awesome blog post: "It took me a year to write this post."

And this made me giggle when I came across it today... I'm pretty sure it's a picture of Stucky the Bear himself.

Hmmm... it would appear I have no nicely wrapped up point this time. I'm going to try to be OK with that. Till next time; hopefully it won't be near as long!

PS - Did I mention OMG OMG OMG SQUEEEEEEE!? ;)

My Stuck is a Bear! and other Cold Margarined Epiphanies at 4 in the morning

Bob (my cat, not my psychologist) is disgruntled. It's four in the morning, my desk chair is HIS at this hour, dammit! But this is important, important enough for me to haul my how-does-it-manage-to-be-both-flabby-AND-flat arse out of bed at this ungoddessly hour and risk the Wrath of Bob, so he'll just have to put on his big kitty panties & deal with it.

Remember that study that found that imagining yourself exercising, while not as good as actually exercising, did produce measurable results? I lurved that one!

With that in mind... even though I haven't quite been able to motivate myself to Shiva Nata as of late, I do *think* about it. I spend a surprising amount of time imagining waving my arms around like an idiot... while waiting for the bus, while riding the bus, and even while doing non-bus-related things. And this *has* been producing epiphanies. Not quite hot buttered epiphanies, but maybe cold margarined epiphanies? Yay, epiphanies in all & any form!!! They make us exclaimy!!!

This morning, I was lying in bed (no buses involved) at four in the freaking morning, wondering why I was awake. Normally, lately, this past year in particular, I sleep. Like, all the time. Like, my cats look at me and go, "Good God, Woman! How can anyone sleep that much?!" Bob (my psychologist, not my cat) theorized that sleep was my addiction, my escape, my avoidance of... well, everything.

Since I was awake anyways, I started thinking about My Stuck. More accurately, I started thinking about Havi's Stuck, and this conversation she had with it. And that maybe I should give that a try: not quite talking to My Stuck, but at least establishing some kind of contact with it. For starters, what does My Stuck look like? Because if I had to go down to the police station & pick My Stuck out of a lineup, I'd be hooped. No could do.

My brain started trying to picture My Stuck. And dismissed many options for what My Stuck might look like. And thought this whole idea of picturing and/or conversing with My Stuck was really just a ridiculous crazy hippy exercise... something that works for crazy Jew-y yoga folk, but had my Inner Redneck scratching his balls & thinking, "WhaHuh?"

Suddenly though, the thought struck that My Stuck would be a chubby animal. Lazy. Would sleep all the time. A hibernating bear. And there was an overwhelming feeling of Yes! That's It!

Poking My Stuck = Poking a Hibernating Bear = growling & getting my head ripped off. My Stuck is an overprotective mama bear, and I'm her cub. I know that however grouchy she might be, she's really just trying to protect me. It's also really really furry & warm & comfortable & sleepy, being wrapped up in My Stuck's big bear hug. Easy to just slumber on. Easier than fighting her in order to do something amazing.

Other random My Stuck is a Bear! connections I made:

Bears love eating garbage. And I eat a lot of garbage. Junk food galore, a steady diet of nothing but. Something I've tried to change many many times without much luck. How much of that is My Stuck demanding & craving it?

Pictured Pooh Bear with his head stuck in the honey jar. Oh, bother!

Yogi Bear is "Smarter than the average bear!" and so is My Stuck. Too smart for her own good.

Anywho, now that I recognized her, it would have been rude not to say hi, right?

Me: "Hi! I will call you Stucky. Stucky the Bear."
Stucky the Bear: "Grrrrrrr..."
Me: "Whoa Whoa Whoa! I know, I know. It's WAY too early to talk. Too early in the morning. Too early in the process. But I just wanted to let you know how happy I am to realize that you are a bear. A big beautiful bear. Cuddly. Warm. And I'm going to stop trying to get rid of you. Or wake you up. Waking up baaad. I get that now."
Stucky the Bear: *yawn* "Oh. Ok then, I guess. Get over here & snuggle in. Winter's just getting started."
Me: "Yay, sleep! My favourite thing!"

And snuggle in I did. But as soon as Stucky went back to sleep, I managed to sneak out of bed to write this, didn't I? I'm feeling more hopeful then I have in a long, long time. Maybe I can get Stucky to not go away, but to shape-shift ("DWAYNE!!") into a big cuddly teddy bear. Something to work towards.

Random Closing Thought: I'd like to wish my daddy a very happy 57th birthday today. Love you! Hope it's the bestest one yet!